As adults we know how important it is to set boundaries, but we don’t always spend time teaching children about what healthy friendships look like and what friendship boundaries are. Children usually understand the basics (“hands/feet off”, share, be nice etc.) but they need us to help them understand some of the more complex parts of friendship both responsively and proactively.

Healthy friendship

There are some concepts that you can discuss with your child to help them understand better about a healthy friendship. You can give them definitions and examples if they cannot come up with ideas. The importance of each value varies. You can ask them to identify which of these is most important to them or to rank them by importance.

Then give them opportunities to practise figuring out what these concepts look like in specific situations by asking open questions. (e.g. “If you are sad, what would you like your friend to do/say?”, “What if your friend wanted to play something else?”, “How do you know if you can trust your friend?”, “What is it like to have fun with your friend?”)

• Support
• Encouragement
• Respect
• Trustworthiness
• Loyalty
• Fun/Happiness/Togetherness
• Being Yourself
• Be a Good Sport

Friendship Boundaries

We can teach them about friendship boundaries and how some behaviours can easily cross over from fun to hurtful. For example, “A boundary is a line that divides two things or indicates the limit of something. Such as lines on the road, fences, or the lines on a basketball court.

Sometimes in friendships people make mistakes and they cross the line with a behaviour that makes others feel disrespected. We can call these lines “friendship boundaries.” The friendship boundaries divide disrespectful or annoying behaviours from respectful and fun behaviours.”

You can ask your child to reflect on times that they have crossed a boundary or times they’ve been on the other side – if they’ve experienced a friend crossing a boundary with them.

• What is one thing you do that might bother your friends?
• What can you say to a friend that is pressuring you to do something you’re not comfortable with?
• Why is it better to talk it out with a friend you have a problem with than complain about them to another friend?
• How do you know if it’s time to end a friendship?
• What if YOU have crossed a friendship boundary? What can you do?
• What if you notice your friend being disrespectful to or making fun of someone else?

Give your child time to think and come up with their own answers. They may say “I will get a teacher, I will tell you” when they have a problem with their friends. Sometimes they do not know that it is ok to set boundaries or how to set boundaries themselves. You can ask them to think about when, what, who, where to say to set boundaries so that your child can visualise the scenario and identify which part they feel anxious about. You can then have them role play the scenario.

When your child can set boundaries respectfully or notice that they crossed boundaries, acknowledge their effort, celebrate their growth.

Read more:

https://theresponsivecounselor.com/2021/03/teaching-kids-about-healthy-friendships-and-friendship-boundaries.html

https://childmind.org/article/teaching-kids-boundaries-empathy/